Lesson's to learn
by teddybearpixiestix
Summary: set in NM, what Bella's life is like after the Cullen's leave. Carlisle come's back by request of Bella's doctor. why? caution: mentions of suicide, cutting, and other bad things. M to be safe RxR
1. Pain

**A lesson Learned is a Lesson Lived**

*****Warning mention of very mature content. No character slash. Bella will have a new friendship with someone. Read at your own risk*****

**BPOV**

It's been 4 months since _he_ left. Four long months. _He _said that time would heal. Well it didn't. I cut myself off from the world. People asked me if I was OK, and I put on a smile for them. But I was far from it. I was dying on the inside. Life wasn't worth living if you didn't have a reason.

Since he left, I've learned that time doesn't heal anything. You just grow so used to the pain you suffer, that it deludes you to thinking it has. I also learned that in order to be happy you need to throw yourself out into the world. But you also need to be ready for the pain that's so much worse than if you hadn't thrown yourself out there.

I made myself vulnerable. I let someone in. I was shot. Stabbed. Killed from the inside out. Not physically. But physically would be welcome. It would be a nice release from all my pain. I once heard someone say, a lesson learned is a lesson lived. I think I get that now. Because you can't learn a lesson, without the experience to go from.

I learned my lesson real fast. Never trust someone with your heart. They will take it, hurt you, and leave you bleeding. But all these things I've learned, none can compare to what I'm trying to learn now. He will say he loves you, but he will leave you. He says he will think about you, but he wants you to forget him. He wants you to live your life, but he took that life away.

That is the life I live. Here in Fork's psyche. I have been here for 2 months now, after I attempted suicide. But I could care less about where I am, or who I was. All I care about right now, is why he sent someone back.

Sure, people tried talking to me, but they stopped after the first month I was here. Now this. It was as if my attempted suicide wasn't enough. The only word he had said so far was _why. _Nothing else. He just stared at me.

I am currently in my room. Blank, white, room. There's one bed, one widow, with bars on it, a light and a door. With a lock on the outside. This was where I have been sitting for 6 hours, 49 minutes, and 12 seconds for. The last time I was aloud out, was for a meal. I didn't care for the food, so I just sat in the dinning hall. Alone. Quiet. And wanting to die.

Being alone all the time, gives you a lot of time to think about things. Like why I had started cutting. Or why I was only 89 pounds. Or why I had tried to kill myself. Or why I didn't just ignore him that first day. So many questions. And all the time in the world to answer them. Thats what brought me back. It looked like he was going to start talking soon, so I straightened up and waited.

**please review.**


	2. Carlisle

**CPOV**

I took in the sight before me. In all my years, and there were quite a few, had I seen someone so, so,...messed up. I knew full well what had caused this. My families departure. I considered Bella my daughter in so many ways. And it pained me to see her like this. It had been four months since we left, and only two since she was admitted. I never would have known of Bella's condition, if I hadn't been called by Dr. Gerandy. I can never forget that conversation.

_**Flashback**_

_my phone was ringing, and it was from Dr. Gerandy. He was probably phoning for some medical advice. _

"_Hello, this is Carlisle Cullen speaking"_

"_oh good, it's you, this is Dr. Gerandy calling. I was wondering if you could come down to forks, I have a patient that I was rather hoping you could talk to. She was admitted a month and a half ago, to the psychiatric ward. I know that you don't normally see psychiatric patients, but I thought maybe you could make an exception."_

"_well what was she admitted for?" this seemed like a reasonable question to ask. I was absolutely sure that they had therapy for patients with problems._

"_well she was admitted for attempted suicide, self inflicted injuries, anorexia, and severe depression. Since she was admitted, she has lost 20 ponds, and now ways 89 pounds."_

"_and whats the patient's name?"_

"_..."_

"_well?"_

"_well see, this is why I called you. The patient is Isabella Swan"_

_I couldn't believe my ears. Bella, had caused self inflicted injury, had attempted to kill herself, and had anorexia? This was not the Bella that was left behind. _

"_of course, I'll come as soon as I can"_

_**End of Flashback**_

I've been here for 2 weeks now. This is the first day I will be seeing her in person. For the most part, I've spent all my time observing her. I had a feeling though that she wouldn't speak to me. Regardless of who I am. I wouldn't doubt it, if she hated me.

I was about to start speaking when out of nowhere, she started talking. So instead of asking questions, I just listened.

"he was wrong. I can't live my life without him. I don't want to live. It's not my fault. I couldn't help it. I was just in to much pain. I needed to get away, it's not my fault. I didn't mean to hurt Charlie. I just want to die"

Bella said all this with tears coming down her face. So maybe she was going to open up to me. But she was so pained by this, I got up and gave her a hug. I didn't let go of her though. I was afraid that if I let go then she would die in front of me. I think now is the time I should ask questions. I put her down softly on her bed. I rolled up her sleeves to see the full damage she had caused herself. Her arms were mangled. It looked like thousands of cuts and scrapes. She even had some burns here and there.

"Bella, why? Why are you doing this? All this?" I said motioning to her arms.

"I don't know. The pain was too much, I needed a distraction.. I enjoyed it. It gave me pain that I deserved. This is the type of pain I understand. There's a reason for it, and it actually heals. I understand physical pain."

"oh Bella. I'm so sorry....Listen, Bella, I know that you've had to say this a million times already, but tell me what happened."

"where do I start?"

"how about from the beginning. When we left."


	3. Story

**BPOV**

"well when you a left, I sort of shut down, for a week or two. Then Charlie threatened to send me to Jacksonville, to see my mom. Well I didn't want to go, so I promised to get back to normal. That was enough for Charlie. So went into a regular routine. Get up, get dressed, eat, well try to eat, get ready for school, go to school, go to classes, come home, do homework, clean up, go to work, come home, eat, again try, go to sleep. But it didn't matter how hard I tried to be normal. I was still hurting. I still am. I was looking for a better way to handle my pain. I was in the shower, and I was shaving, when I slipped and I cut myself. I had been mulling over why Edward had left, but once I cut myself, it was a complete distraction. I didn't feel any of the pain that I was feeling while I was distracted. So I started to cut myself, more. Usually I would right before I went to sleep. It was calming. I could go to sleep with a clear mind, and actually sleep peacefully. But then I wanted to be distracted all day, I didn't like suffering. So I started to cut during the days too. Then about 2 months ago. It got to be too much. Angela, one of my closer friends, saw one of the cuts. She pulled me aside and asked what was happening to me. I know that what she was saying was meant for the better, but she put me in a temporary clear state of mind. Not one of my cutting minds, but one that made me see, how worthless I am. She kept telling me how she was there for me, but it brought back the pain. People who care, always hurt you the most. So I went home early, and found some of Charlie's pain killers, from when he got shot. I took them all. I didn't want to live anymore. I was hurting people who cared about me. Charlie never looked me in the eye. It was too much. So I went upstairs, after I took them, and went to sleep. I woke up in the hospital. And well you know the rest."

I finished my story, of what happened when the Cullen's left. Carlisle looked shell shocked. He looked like if he could be crying he would. Then he spoke.

"Bella, when's the last time you were outside?"

well that was random.

"um, 2 months ago. I don't like being outside. It makes me vulnerable."

"how so? Please explain."

"Because outside, is a world of hurt. And at any moment, someone can come along and rip you apart."

"Well would you come outside if you came with me?"

"sure"

"well then let's go. I ave a special place in mind."

Carlisle got up, and walked over to the door, then he turned back to me and said "well aren't you coming?"

I got up and followed Carlisle to the front desk.


	4. Coming Home

**BPOV**

Carlisle and I left the hospital to go who knows where.

"Bella? It would be a lot easier for me to get you to where were going if we went at my speed. Would you mind me carrying you?"

"sure. I don't mind. Where are we going?"

"I can't tell you that. It's a surprise"

"Well can you give me a hint?"

"nope."

"well why not? I don't want you to leave me somewhere I don't know."

"Bella, let's just go shall we?"

"ok..."

I got onto Carlisle's back, once we were out of human eyesight. He started running. I had forgotten how fast vampires were, but the speed was comforting. I was actually enjoying myself, for once, in what seemed like forever. I missed the speed, I missed the cool embrace, I missed it all.

I was thinking about all the things that I missed, but I refused to think about what I missed most, or more so _who_ I missed the most. My heart was aching. A feeling so intense, words can not compare. It felt like having my heart ripped out before my eyes, and burned, and stabbed. I was torturing myself, I was silly to think that I could think abut what I missed without feeling that. It was at times like this, where I would start cutting myself.

I started to cry, and I could tell that Carlisle was slowing down, because the wind was slowing around me. I looked up to see a perfectly rounded, green grass, wild flowers everywhere, meadow. It was our meadow. His meadow.

Why the hell had he brought me here? Was he doing this to torture me. I got off his back and walked to the center of the meadow. I turned to face him.

"Why? Why did you bring me here?"

"Because I thought it would be good for you to be in a place of familiarity, to talk. But at the same time, somewhere quiet and cut off."

"but why here? Why now? He left. This isn't, ..this isn't...." I couldn't finish my sentence. I was crying too much. Carlisle came over to me and hugged me. He let go of me slowly, looking me in the eye. He was about to say something but was cut off by his phone ringing.

"hello?...yes...but why?...I won't let that happen. No that won't. I promise I will not le-...well what am I supposed to do?..naturally that would help. Well find out for me and call me back. Ya OK...bye"

"who was that?" I asked. It sounded like Carlisle was having a hard time with whatever it was he heard. "don't worry about it. Back to the reason I brought you here. I want you to tell me, one good reason, for you cutting yourself. A good reason."

"it was a distraction. It feal's good. A release. It was an escape, and I got addicted to not living in reality."

"But why?"

"...did you know that the first time I did it on purpose, I heard his voice. Like I said, I got addicted to not living in reality. He told me not to. But every time I cut myself, I heard him louder, and clearer. He was angry with me. He didn't want me to suffer. Then after a while, I stopped hearing his voice. So I started to do more drastic things, like burning myself. That was the best. I heard him yell at me for 3 minutes while I held my arm in a flame. I was smart enough to stop whenever Charlie was becoming worried, more than he was. It was after Angela told me to stop cutting that I tried to kill myself. I had a few was planned out."

"Bella. I know that what my son did was wrong. But would it mean anything to you, if I said I was sorry? I am. I really am Bella. You have no idea how much it pains me to see you both like this."

"what do you mean both?"

"both of you. Edward and you. You both went into a depression. I haven't seen him in 2 months."

"can I go home? To Charlie? I haven't had a real conversation with him in a while."

"only if you promise me one thing."

"what's that?"

"you need to explain to Charlie. Everything. Everything you told me. He needs to know. And want you to let your dad in Bella. He misses you."

"is this your way of saying goodbye? Have a nice life and move on? Because I can tell you right now, I won't. You can't just move on after having your heart ripped out. It can't happen."

"fine Bella. You don't want to move on. I get that. But at least stop harming yourself. Express your feelings in a healthy way. No more cutting, or burning. Or anything. Now look I got the hospital to release you for one month. I told them that some time away from doctors might help. I'm giving you one month. To prove me right, in knowing you can live your life, away from hospitals."

"you got me out of the hospital?"

"one month. A probation if you will. If they have any reason to believe you can't function in society, you will go back. Deal?"

"Deal."

"OK now let's bring you home."


	5. Probation

**BPOV **

We arrived at home in less the 10 minutes. Carlisle walked me up to my room, he was about to leave, when I started to speak.

"Carlisle, can you promise me something?"

"of course Bella, anything."

"can you promise to let me see Edward at least once more before I die?"

"Bella, you won't die for sometime now. You have a long life ahead of you....but I will see what I can do. I doubt that he will come buy who knows. Miracles happen."

"Thank you Carlisle, for everything."

"anytime Bella."

Carlisle left without another word. He was gone before I had a chance to blink. I looked at my room. It was clean. The bed was made, the computer was off, my books had dust, and everything looked like it hadn't been touched in years. I looked over at my alarm clock to see the time. 4:30 PM, it read. Charlie would be home in an hour, so I thought now would be a good time to start making dinner, and do some cleaning.

When Charlie got home, he took off his boots. He was coming into the kitchen when he stopped dead in his tracks. He looked up to see me in the kitchen making dinner.

"Bells?"

"ya dad, it's me."

"...why aren't you in the hospital?"

"Well I have a one month probation."  
"so you're home now?"

"ya."

"oh. Well. OK."

Something about the way he said his words made me feel like this was a bad thing for me to come home. And the look on his face, was one of worry, and of pity. He probably thought I was mental. He walked forward. He took his eat at the table, and looked at me again.

"Bella, you need to eat. You look so thin."

"ya I know. I'll try."

I served dinner quickly and sat down. We both ate in silence while I contemplated what to tell him. He probably didn't know that Carlisle was back. He also probably didn't know the extent to what I had done. There were so many things I had to tell him, so I decided to start with the easiest, or more so, the first thing that came to mind.

"Dad?"

"ya Bells?"

"Can I talk to you?"

"sure, what's up?"

"well..."


	6. Telling the Truth

**BPOV**

I couldn't believe what I was doing. I was going to tell Charlie everything. I know I should edit some parts, but some how, I just didn't want to hold back. I gave what I was going to say a little more thought. I at least owed Carlisle, some amount of privacy. I decided, that out of human decency, I wouldn't tell Charlie _everything. _Just most of it.

"well...you know how I attempted suicide?"

"ya..."

"and how I cut myself?"

"ya..wait...you what?"

"well. um. See, I cut my self by accident once, and it was a distraction from all the pain I was feeling, so I started to cut more and more, and then I sort of got addicted. To cutting I mean."

The look Charlie gave me was of utter horror. He looked like he was going to drop dead. Literally. He sat there looking at me, occasionally glancing at my arms. I took that opportunity of silence to tell him the wrest of my story. I started off by telling him what happened after the Cullen's left, then everything after that. He seemed shocked at first, but then he went deep into thought. After a while he spoke.

"Bella. This isn't healthy. I love you, so don't get me wrong, but I think you should go to Jacksonville with your mom."

"But I don't want to go...Forks is where I Belong."

"Bella, I'm not giving you a choice about this."

"And I'm 18, so I'm not leaving Forks"

"Bella, if you stay here, I will get a court order, banning you from Washington. I will come visit you, but you are not staying in Fork's it isn't healthy for you."

I let his words sink in. he didn't want me in Fork's, but he still wanted to see me. He wanted me to heal, and move on, but he was sending me away to be injured. This made no sense at all. Maybe from some one else's point of view it would, but not mine.

"Dad. I will leave Fork's, if that's what you want. And I'll even go to Jacksonville, but I won't stay with mom and Phil. I will get my own place, I need some time alone to think through everything that's happening."

"Bella. You aren't moving out to live on your own. How do I know you won't try to kill yourself again?"

"have a little blind faith"

"I can't"

"Well then get some because this is the only deal you get. I'll go get my things. I'll be leaving in the morning."

I ignored the rest of what Charlie said, and went up to my room. I turned on my computer to my online banking. I had a job here in Fork's that I quit when I got "sick" as everyone likes to call it. I logged on and checked my balance. Since I had never withdrew any money, I wasn't surprised when I found out that I had $10,589.

I the opened up a new window to look for available apartments, that were being rented out. I was scanning through the listings when my phone rang. I looked at the caller ID, it read Carlisle.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Bella, it's me Carlisle."

"Ya I know. What's up?"

"i would like to come speak with you if that's OK with you?"

"ya sure, when?"

I heard my window open. I looked over to see Carlisle, standing there, he hung up his phone and said "now"

I hung up my phone to and looked at him. He looked like he was in serious thought like Charlie, only he wasn't going to tell me to go away.

"Ok so Bella, I heard you speaking with Charlie, and I don't want you living on your own. So I wanted to know if you wanted to come live with me, in Jacksonville, for a year or two. I have a house up there that I haven't used, in 69 years."

"But won't you miss Esme, and hr rest of yurt family?"

"Bella, let's take one step at a time, shall we? So what do you say?"

I thought it over for all of 2 seconds. It was s simple answer.

"yes. I would love to!!" I ran up and gave Carlisle a huge hug. I packed my things that I was going to need, and handed them to Carlisle. He was going to bring them down to Jacksonville while I slept. Then he would come back for me in the morning.

I quickly got ready for bed and went to sleep, in my own bed, for the first time since two months ago.

****authors note: i'm sorry for not updating as often as my other story, but it takes alot more of me, mentaly, to right something this...dark and painful. but the dawn is comeong!!****


	7. Advice

**CPOV**

I was heading down to Jacksonville, when a random thought truck me. How pissed off would Edward be, when a) he found out that I came back for Bella, b) that she was with me, and c) that he didn't know.

Well I might as well get the fire burning for him. He was going to tare me to shreds. I started to run a little faster, it only takes a few hours to get to Jacksonville from fork's, and a few to get back. I wanted to hurry though because I was fighting fate to keep Alice's vision from coming true.

_**Flashback**_

_I was sitting in the meadow that Edward, so often described to me. I had only ever been here once, and that was a few years ago, when I was on a hunting trip, and I stumbled across Edward. Just then my phone rang._

"_hello?"_

"_Carlisle?"_

"_yes"_

"_It's Alice, Bella will die if you don't change her"_

"_but why?"_

"_Because I see her cutting again and again, her whole arm will bleed out, then her heart stops, I had another vision, and she just dies. I think she's lost her will to live"_

"_I won't let that happen."_

"_It's set in stone. It will happen"_

" _No that won't. I promise I will not le-"_

"_Carlisle, I've seen it happen. Change her! I've seen the outcome if she dies. You have no idea how many lives hang in the balance"_

" _well what am I supposed to do?"_

"_i don't know, but do you want me to search the future?"_

"_naturally that would help."_

"_fine, I'll see what I can find. But be cautious!"_

" _Well find out for me and call me back."_

"_oh and you need to go clean up the Jacksonville apartment. You will be living there, for a while"_

" _Ya OK...bye" _

_**End Flashback**_

I needed to keep Bella alive. At least long enough to get Esme, and Alice down to Jacksonville...Alice already knew, and Esme,was on her way, by request of Alice. I was still worried about Edward. They were like children to me, Edward, my son, and Bella my daughter. I just couldn't let two people I love, die like that.

I arrived at the Jacksonville home. It was a mansion, like the Fork's house, but bigger. It had 4 levels, and it was located on a a beach that I bought back in the 1920's. It was technically a cottage, but there was nothing around for miles. It had glass covering all the walls. It really was an amazing house.

I went in, and put Bella's things in the spare room. I looked around the house a bit. Whenever the family moved, we left the furniture in the house. It gave Esme a reason to decorate spaces. We never sold houses either. It was always too much effort to move all the furniture to one house to another. Even at vampire speed, it got annoying after a while.

I was cleaning up in the house when I got a call from Alice.

"Carlisle, Edwards coming home to check in on everyone. He doesn't know about Bella. You Esme and I are the only ones who do. You need to get Bella fast. And make sure Edward doesn't find out. He will be pissed that you went back for Bella. Remember he wants her to live a normal life."

"did you search the future like I asked you to?"

"well yes, but I saw Bella and Edward. He gets angry, he lashes out, and he hits Bella. No ones going to be around. And the possibility of her dying, is really high. You need to change her Carlisle, while she's still healthy. If you bight her near her heart, on her wrists and any major vain, then the transformation will only take 1 and a half days."

"Alice I don't want to change Bella. Not now. It needs to be a choice that they make together."

"Carlisle Cullen. You need to bite her. It's the only way things will work out!"

"Goodbye, Alice."

It was at times like this that I had to question, what was going to happen. I wanted Bella and Edward to be happy together but this was something that even I needed help with. I needed to speak with an old friend. Marcus.


	8. 4:32 AM

**BPOV**

_Bella, your no good to anyone, why do you even bother. Bella, everyone hates you. Just pull the trigger. Die .Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die._

_Nobody cares. No one ever will. You have no one. Cut your wrists, beat yourself. Burns cuts and scrapes. No body loves you. Why do you bother? You would be doing the world a favor if you just died. Let go. Stop breathing. Die. _

I awoke with a start. I had been sleeping peacefully, until I started to dream of what my life is like. I had been having a nice dream before, it was about me. I was beautiful, strong, healthy. No one hated me. People cared about me. I think.

I looked over at my clock, it read 4:32 AM. I decided that since I was leaving at 7 I might as well be awake and ready to go.

I got up, went to the shower and began my regular routine. It had been awhile since I was at home, away from the prodding eyes of the doctors. I was rinsing off my hair when I realized my razor blade was right there in front of me. I had to drop that thought right there. Carlisle cared about me. He came back. But that was only on request of Dr. Gerandy... he wouldn't have come back. He didn't care.

I am worthless. I picked up the blade, and shoved it deep into my skin, deeper, to my bone, then I cut. From my wrist, to my elbow. I withdrew the blade, and went to the other side. I wrote a few words out, some saying, _not loved, hate, death, pain...._

I was loosing a lot of blood. I was slowly slipping into deaths grips, when I heard the most angelic voice, in my entire life. One I thought I would never hear again. Then there was blackness. It consumed me. It was peaceful. Free of pain.

It seemed like I was flying. I felt cold. Then it all stopped. Nothing. I thought this must be the trip to heaven or hell. Then I felt it. Like fire was burning me up into crisp ashes. I cried out in pain, but I heard nothing. I writhed in agony but I felt nothing. Nothing except the fire that was burning me.

This must be hell. From the fiery pits of hell, you will suffer, and from hell you will desire, but you will not receive. I know from experience that when you try to kill yourself, that you always have last regrets. This time was different. I don't have any regrets. Fate brought me her. And now I would die. Fate. I should have died long ago. When Tyler's van nearly crushed me. When I met Edward. When James attacked me. Every time, someone tried to save me. They were dooming me. They made my life that much more miserable, and longer. Longer for me to be hurt, to suffer more pain.

People shouldn't mess with fate. Because fate will come back. And hurt you in every way imaginable. In every place it hurts. In every wound. For always.


	9. Burning in Hell

**BPOV**

Death is not peaceful. It is painful. Not only physically, but emotionally and mentally. You suffer on your death bed. And yet when you die. Your lucky. You leave behind the world of hurt, and those you loved. You loose your pain, and die.

Death is selfish. To want such a thing is selfish, to leave behind everyone that ever cared. Yet there is a comfort in death. You here final words from people you loved. I for instance, am hearing the love of my life's voice.

One would think that when you die, there would be words of comfort, but there are none. Words of wisdom, not for me. I here words of hope. What hope do I have after death? Well one would hope they go to heaven, if such a thing exists. Others would hope to rest in peace. I would hope to leave my past behind, die, and never live again.

I don't know how long it will take me to die. But as I get closer and closer, I continue to feel more and more. Some say that when you die, your sense are heightened, that your life flashes before your eyes. Not me. My memories, are fading, along with my soul. My heart is dying along with my body.

Every second that passes, brings me closer to death. And every second that passes grows more and more painful.

I feel the wind in my hair. I must be on my way to purgatory. Maybe heaven, but not likely. The wind is getting faster and faster, then slows to a stop. I wonder what my final resting place will be like...

Another round of pain, this one worse than my last. I feel my skin burn, my body is cold. I am dead. Rotting in hell. No wonder I burn. For the rest of eternity, I will rot in hell. Where I belong. Again the fire burns, and I wonder if it will ever stop.

As the hours pass, the pain dulls. It doesn't go away, but I have grown used to the pain that I suffer. More hours go by, and the pain grows worse yet again. My hands and my feet, no longer burn, but my body does.

After what seems like days, I here my angels voice.

"Bella, love. Open your eyes."

What foolish man has he become? To join me in death, and want me to see the place in which I will rot for all of eternity? I would never open myself to the pain, I will endure.

"Bella, love. Open your eyes."

Again he asks like it's some easy task, to see hell with my eyes.

"Bella, love. Open your eyes. It's me Edward."

Upon hearing his name. I feel my heart come back to life. I already knew he was with me, but hearing his name, made me whole. I opened my eyes, with no effort at all, and starred into the topaz eyes, of my angel. Edward


	10. Don't Mess With Fate That's Set in Stone

**CPOV**

I couldn't believe it. Edward changed Bella after all he went through to keep her human...

_**Flashback**_

_Edward was calling to check in, I picked up the phone and listened._

"_Hello, Carlisle. Is anything of interest happening?"_

"_Well Edward, Bella made me promise to get you to see her once more before she dies."_

"_When was this?"_

"_about an hour ago...when are you coming home?"_

"_I'm about 30 seconds away."_

_Just then the line went dead, and Edward walked in. Alice just so happened to be thinking something that was bothering Edward, because he was in the house for all of 2 seconds. He left at top speed. I was about to go chase him but Alice stopped me._

"_He's going to see Bella"_

"_Now?!"_

"_well ya... I mean I showed him the vision I had of how Bella dies. The one I had a few hours ago...Bella is going to die in 3 hours if Edward doesn't make it. And Bella will be changed in 2 and a half if he does. Prepare yourself Carlisle. Bella won't react very good to being changed..."_

_**End Flashback**_

Edward had brought Bella to me two days ago. He brought her to our home in Georgian Bay Ontario. It was a nice place, covered in wildlife. There aren't any people around during the year, only during the summer. And even then, the place we bought was on spider bay. There are only 26 cottages or so, about 1 mile apart each. It was safe to say we wouldn't be having any problems with humans.

When Edward first came in with Bella, I saw all the dried blood from her arm's. The only thing I could think of was that my son had been to late. But I could here her hart beat, so it gave me hope. Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie were all on a hunting trip when he arrived, so Esme and Alice helped get a bed ready, for Bella to stay in while she was burning.

When the others arrived Jasper dropped, no was crippled, from the amount of self hate, and pain coming off of Bella. That's when Edward started whispering the apologies. He kept telling Bella that he was sorry, and that he still loved her.

By the time her transformation was almost complete, Alice ushered everyone out of the room, except for Edward and I. Alice had insisted that it only be me, but because she was blocking her mind, Edward saw no good reason to leave, so he stayed.

Edward said that he was their, and Bella immediately opened her eyes. It was a bit confusing at first. Bella looked at Edward, and she looked so happy. Like a giant wight had been lifted off her shoulders.


	11. Spider Bay

**BPOV**

When I first opened my eyes, everything was so clear. And I was looking up into the eyes of Edward. At first I was really happy. If this was hell than I'd gladly take it. But when I took in my surroundings, I noticed, and smelled, other people. No, not people. Vampires. He had changed me. Why the hell would he change me? I thought I was dead! I mean death I can handle, but an _eternity_ with Edward!!!! After everything he put me through. He changes me so I can never forget.

"Edward?"

"Yes love?"

"Bella. My name is Bella. I am not your love"

"...But...I thought you were happy that I wa-"

"what? Back? Or that you changed me? no. I thought I was in hell! I thought I was finally going to be free from all my pain. But now you've gone and changed me! I will never be able to forget!"

"Bella, you were dying."

"no, Edward, I wasn't dying. I was living. I was living my life all the way to it's end. I just didn't want to wait for the end to come. So I sped up the process."

"you...you...you were, killing yourself....?"

"Edward, I don't want to live. I would rather be dead!"

I got up and started to run. I could run so fast, and it felt amazing. I looked back just in time to see Edward crumble to the ground. He looked like he was going to die on the spot. I didn't know where I was exactly, but I could hear people speaking. Smelling their blood wasn't to horrible. This was one of the many things that Edward had just doomed me to.

I remember when I was human, how I had begged Edward to change me. I thought it would be great! But after all I've gone through, I don't want to live an eternity in pain. I sniffed the air again, I was getting closer to the humans. I slowed my pace to one that would pass off as human. I looked around me. There were blueberry bushes all around me, and some poison ivy underneath. I could just imagine what it would be like to not notice you're sitting in a yummy patch of poison ivy...the rash would be terrible. **(I have done that! My cottage is in spider bay :D)**

I looked at the rock formations, and then listened to the sounds. It was no surprise that there were humans around this time of year, I mean the end of July, I had heard about the Sans Souse Regatta being held around this time. I listened again and heard people talking about going to spider lake. Well I must be in spider bay then. I knew enough geography to know I was in Georgian Bay.

I was walking closer and closer to the voices that I was hearing, when I heard a new sound. It was someone approaching me fast. Vampire. I sniffed the air, to find a scent that I knew as Alice. Even as a human, I could tell the difference between their smells. I stopped all together and turned around, to see a very upset Alice heading my way.

"Bella! Wait a second! Why did you say you would rather be dead?"

"Because, after all the pain Edward put me through. He goes and changes me so that I can live that pain for all of eternity?"

"Bella, you tried to kill yourself..."

"Ya, because I was in pain, and I wanted out! Is that so wrong?"

"Bella..."  
"Alice, don't even bother. If I want to see anyone I'll come find you. Goodbye"

"But Bella..."

I ignored all of what she had to say after that. I wasn't aware of where I was going anymore, but I knew that I was going somewhere I would have a better chance at living this hell on earth, in peace. Away from all the pain. Away from Edward. Away from love.

I would go to a place I can be free of my burden's. I ran through the forest until I finally stopped. It was a round meadow, with tree's and bushes. There was no trail leading to it, but it looked strangely familiar. I thought back to Fork's, and my human life. Edward and I's meadow...

This was in so many ways like the meadow that I had once found comfort in. I sat down in the middle, taking in the scene before me. I could hear the water, rushing past in a near by river, I could hear the frogs, hopping on the rocks in a lagoon. I could also hear another vampire coming. Only this one wasn't Alice or Edward. Not a scent I knew well. If I could put it to a face...no I couldn't I had smelt it before. No doubt it was a Cullen. I closed my eyes and lay in the grass, awaiting the arrival of whichever Cullen was chasing me now.


	12. One Month

**BPOV**

I was laying in the grass, as I waited for whoever followed me to speak.

"Bella, do you need to talk?"

Carlisle. Of course he would come.

"Why couldn't he let me die?"

"Bella, he loves you, when we left," I flinched when he mentioned that " I watched him go into a huge depression. Vampires, when we love someone, we are eternally altered. There is no going back. He needs you."

"Well if he needed me so much, why did he leave?" I said this with hatred dripping in my voice.

"He wanted you to have a chance at a normal life. Is it so wrong for him to have wanted that?"

"_Wanted. _He wanted me to have a normal life. Then he gave me hell every time I brought up the subject, then after he leaves, I decide that I want a normal life. I decided to put my past behind, and live my life the way I want. Not the way he wants me too. He never asked me if I still wanted to be changed..."

"Bella, you didn't exactly move on, you may have wanted to, but when I came back, you were in the same state Edward was. Severely depressed."

"But I was getting better...I was trying...I just really needed out."

"Bella, I know you probably hate my son right now, but that's normal. He left you bleeding, an open wound if you will. Someone needed to stitch you back up, but no one ever did. I don't blame you for being angry."

We sat in peaceful silence for a few moments while I thought over a few things. After a while I sat up and looked at Carlisle. He looked like he was deep in thought. After a few more moments of silence, he spoke.

"When I changed Edward, it was the hardest thing I had ever done. I had been alone, for 200 years, I was very bitter, for a long time...when I changed him, all I could think about was, why was I damning Edward to this life. Everyone has pain, we all live it. We inflict it. I understand if you are mad, but Bella. You and Edward, you could learn to forgive him."

"Carlisle, I mean no disrespect to you, but I would appreciate my one month. Alone. I won't go far, but I need some time to go over this. I don't need distractions."

"If that's what you need, than I'll see you in a month, but if you ever need to talk, don't hesitate to call me, here, take this it's a cell with all our numbers programmed into it. Be safe Bella"

"I will Carlisle, thank you. For everything."

"Anytime Bella."

And with that I left. To go who knows where, all I knew was that in one month, I would know where I was going to spend the rest of eternity.


	13. Memory Lane

**BPOV**

I had left the Cullen's one week ago. I had hunted and killed 3 Grizzly bears, and I have come to the decision, that I can't trust anyone. Well I cab trust Carlisle, but thats because he came back, he helped me. I was still angry with Edward for what he did to me. When I was human, I couldn't wait for him to change me. Well that was before he ripped out my still beating heart, and left me bleeding.

If only he knew. If only he had stayed, we could be happy, we could still love each other. I would still have my family. Now I can't love him. Not the same way I did. I looked down at my arms. No scars. No injuries. I would never be able to distract myself again.

I found myself, wandering the globe, but at the same time, going in one direction. Back to my home. I knew about new born madness, but if I held my breath, then I might be able to handle being at my house. All I would have to do is wait for Charlie, to be asleep, or out at work.

I went home to my dad's place. I heard no one there so I went in. I looked around. I went upstairs to where I had been dying. I sniffed the air. I could tell that no one had been in the house recently, so I went upstairs. My blood was still on the floor. Still covering the shower.

I went into the hall and grabbed a cloth, and some bleach. I cleaned up the bathroom, and washed the cloth I used to clean. I looked around the house again. This is where I grew up. Where I lived my childhood. Where I moved to and fell in love. ha. Love. I guess I know why they say falling in love. Because you fall, to the point of no return. I walked into my room, and looked at all my things. I sniffed the air. It smelled of Edward and I. I was walking around, until I heard a creek, in the floor. I stepped on the floor in the same spot again.

It creaked again. I looked down, to see that it was loose. I opened the floor, and looked inside. Inside were a bunch of things. All my gifts from Edward, and his family. A few random things, that I thought I had lost. And a few pieces of paper. I examined everything in the floor. I took everything out and looked at it. The random things, like my baby doll, from when I was 6. My blanket, that I had never let go of as a child, and my baby book.

I couldn't imagine, why on earth these things were in the floor. Of all places. Just looking at them, made me more angry with Edward. Before I was changed, I had a family. I had people who cared, and loved me. The Cullen's don't care, if they had, they wouldn't have left. I looked through my baby book.

I sat there for who knows how long, before I started to cry tear less tears. Just one more thing that I hate. The one time, I really need to cry, I can't! The tears, that would remain unshed, were like toxins to my body. I had always been raised to believe that when someone cries, it's like a cleansing rain. Now I could no longer, feel renewed. I would feel horrible, and worthless. I went into the attic, to grab a box. It had all my baby things in it.

I looked around, to see an old film projector, on a stand. There was a film inside. I played the film, on the wall. I sat down to watch, and as I began, I felt lonely, and cold. The film played my father and mother's wedding, it was in black and white, because, neither side of my family was ever well off. Then the scene changed. It was in the hospital, of my mother holding me, whispering wonderful things to me. Again the scene changed and it was in Fork's. In this house, at Christmas. I was sitting in my grandmothers, lap, opening a gift, a blue puppy dog.

I remember naming it puppers. This time, when the scene changed, it was of my family and, I in Arizona, vacationing. I watched the entire film, which lasted about 3 hours. By the end of it, I was on the ground, clutching my still heart. What had I done? I was a monster. When the Cullen's, left, I had caused the people I love, pain. I took all the films, and the projector. I grabbed a few boxes, and was about to leave, when I knocked something over, in my rush. I looked around to see what I had knocked over, and saw a black leather bound book. It looked old, but I couldn't help but want to see what was inside. So I took that too, and left.

I was running at vampire speed, back to the Cullen's. I needed somewhere to stay while I went through everything. I know that I had only been gone for one week, but I had a feeling, that I would need to be close by.

After running for 4 hours, I arrived. I was still running at full sped when I heard Alice tell me I could use the top level. I made a mental note to thank her later, when I got into the room. It was empty, all except, a desk, a chair, and a book case.

I put everything down that I was carrying and sat down at the desk. I went over to a box and opened it. This one was full of old looking books, and journals. I picked up the first one and opened it. I sat back down on the chair and began to read....

_November 1__st__ 1918_

_Today, the most unfortunate, of events occurred. My dearest William, has become, ill, of the Spanish influenza. It is not expected for him to pull through, but one can hope. Our anniversary, approaches soon. In one fortnight, we shall be in celebration, of 23 years to marriage. I visited the hospital, in early morning, Elizabeth Mason, my dear friend, passed in the hospital. Her son Edward, will soon, pass. These unfortunate event's will pain many people. No doubt, Mr. Mason is in a better place. We all hope, to rise, when we die. But I worry. Mr. Mason, was one of the first to go. Dear Edward, was so devastated by the passing of his father. The boy wasn't close, but his father was good to him. Young Edward, he was so excited to fight a war, and he has. One that he, will unfortunately loose. I, could never crush the hopes of someone, in that manner. I feel, pity for Dr, Cullen. He looks so upset, when he works. It is a shame, that so many people I know are loosing, a fight, they cannot win. I have been making arrangements, for the cremation ceremony, for the Mason's. A dreadful time it is. Elizabeth, always wanted to be berried, in a casket, but in times like this, cremation is the only option. I do hope that, William, will pull through. He's such a gentlemen. I will be writing soon, goodbye for now._

_Swan._

L.Swan. That was the name of my grandmother mother. I read over the next few entries, all of them described the bad events of 1918. I was so deep in thought that I barely heard Edward come in. When I looked up, I saw Edward. I would be lying if I said that I truly hated Edward, but I was still mad. Edward looked at me. Like he wanted to take me right here and now, but was holding back. I looked back at the journal, then at Edward. He continued to look at me, when finally he spoke.

**Cliffy I know, but I promise I will update in an hour. :D**


	14. Trust No More

**EPOV**

My Bella. I have missed her so much. When I saw the vision in Alice's head, of my Bella, dying, I was already running. I would never allow that to happen to my Bella. My Bella. So soft, and beautiful. I love her dearly, and I have missed her so much. While she was changing I kept worrying that she had moved on. Well far from that. She down right hated me. And I could blame no one but myself.

I have damned her to a life on earth. And eternity. When I saw her open her eyes, I was so happy, that she made it. But then she got really angry. Alice had warned me, but she had blocked me out, so how was I supposed to know that she would be angry. She left for a week, although Carlisle had said 1 month. But who was I to complain.

My Bella, was sitting in front of me looking at me, with what looked like a journal. She was still mad, even I could tell. But she looked sorry. For what I don't know. I can't find out though, because I still can't read her thoughts. Always a mystery...

"Edward, what do you want?"

"You."

"Well, I am unavailable."

Unavailable? Had she really moved on? Did she find someone else? No, that couldn't be it. Did she no longer love me? Was it possible that she hated me so much for leaving her in the forest, that she was no longer available to _me_?

"...what do you mean?"

"I mean, I don't want you. If this makes sense to you, I hate you, and I love you. I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for leaving me bleeding. I hate you for hurting me. For lying, and killing me. I hate you for loving me. I hate you for being good to me. I hate you for coming into my life. I hate you for changing my life. I hate you for everything. And I love you for you. I know I can't hate you for all eternity. But you left me like an open wound. I tried to kill myself multiple times, I was stuck in a hospital, for months. My own father, he doesn't even want me..."

Bella, began to dry sob. She was in so much pain, that again I had caused. But I knew that she never lied, so that must mean she loves me. But hates me. If that made any sense at all, but here was my wonderful angel, crying. Because of me. I wanted so much, just to reach out and hold her, but I wasn't sure of what I should do.

I decided, that I need her, and if that meant fighting her as a new born, I would take that 100000 times over, just to hold her in my arms. I sat down next to her, and pulled her into a hug. She, surprisingly, held onto me, until her dry sobs, stopped. I held onto her like a life line because I felt as though if I let go of her now, I would never get her back.

We sat there for 27 minutes, until rather abruptly, she got up and headed to Carlisle's office. I was going to listen in, but I was interrupted by one of Alice's visions.

_Bella is in Carlisle's office, and shows him a book, the same one that she was reading earlier. She looks like she is in pain, not physically though. She has a conversation with Carlisle, and sits down, they talk for a few hours, until finally she leaves._

That was the end of the vision. I looked around to find Alice, and I heard her running around upstairs. She ran down to me, and gave me a wary look.

"Edward, do you remember all those long talks you had with Bella, before we left?"

"of course I do, she would tell me everything that was on her mind, and it was at those times I knew that she trust-...oh..."

"She went to go have one with Carlisle..."

"does she not trust me anymore?"

"well, yes she does, and no she doesn't. She trusts you to be you, and she will come to see you in the future with some things, but I don't see any long talks anytime soon..."

That was one of the worst things I had heard. Ever. It made the top 10. My Bella, didn't trust me anymore...it was like knifes to my heart. She no longer would talk to me, about all her worries, and all her feelings. It hurt me to know that it was my fault. I didn't want to think about what I had been told, and even though I wanted to know what was on Bella's mind, I knew that if I listened, I would be in pain. So instead, I went to my piano, and began composing a new piece.


	15. Lost For Life

*****I know I don't update to often, and I'm sorry, but here is the next chapter, maybe two if I decide to be nice. Enjoy, P.S. Reviewing helps flames are welcome*** **

**CPOV**

I was sitting in my office, reading up on a new medical journal about cancer. It was fascinating, really, I mean, all these new discoveries, and cures. I was just about to finish it, when I heard a knock at the door. I looked up from the journal, and called whoever was there in. it didn't surprise me to see Edward, but the look on his face did. He looked in pain, like someone had crushed him, mentally, at least. He sat down across from me and began to talk.

"Carlisle, Bella, she doesn't trust me, she doesn't trust me, I mean, she just spent hours in here, talking to you and not me. It doesn't make sense, we used to talk for hours all the time. What happened, she might not love me anymore. I can't loose her. Please, tell me what to do."

Edward finished his little speech, but I couldn't give him any useful advice. Not in this situation. He would have to gain the trust back...although it would be hard, it would be worth it. I couldn't help but feel sorry for Edward, because both Bella, and Edward would suffer because of decisions that were made.

_**Flashback**_

"_Hey Carlisle, can I talk to you?"_

"_Of course Bella. How can I help you?"_

"_I was wondering if you could tell me a little about 1918...."_

"_Is this to do with Edward?"_

"_Sort of...i was hoping to know what he was like, before...he was changed...."_

"_May I ask why?"_

"_Because...well. I don't really know. I guess curiosity..."_

_She looked up at me and handed me a journal. I read through it and understanding dawned on me. The Edward, described in this journal didn't sound like the one she knew..._

"_Well Bella, I know that Edward has changed, but not a lot. Only in the way that he loves you. He is more open to people. He isn't lonely, but he is depressed. Bella, even when he was human, he still wouldn't do anything that he considered selfish. He always wanted what was best, for everyone. Even if it meant hurting himself in the process. He really did have the best intentions in mind..."_

"_But, Carlisle, he said he didn't love me, he doesn't want me, then he comes back, and he can't seem to let me live, he doesn't want me to be with anyone, but he doesn't want anything for me..."_

_**End Flashback**_

Edward looked at me like he was in more pain then before, I had relied he probably heard what I thought. Upon hearing my thought, he nodded his head.

"Son, I am sorry, you have no idea, but did it ever occur to you that maybe you needed to stay, instead of leave? I mean the thought of a human, vampire relationship, must have been scary, but you could have changed her, before all of this, she could be perfectly happy. But instead, you waited for her to be on her deathbed. I am sorry, but Edward, you may have just lost the love of you life."


	16. Treaty

**I AM SOOOO SORRY!!! I know that I said I would be updating soon, and I didn't so if you want to rip my head off, by all means go for it! But I have a few fan fictions that I've been working on and I just got back from my cottage. Which thankfully gave me some inspiration. And by the way, the meadow that Bella came across is not the one that Edward brought her to, it's just very similar.**

**Happy reading!**

**EPOV**

No. My Bella. She couldn't truly hate me. She even said that she loved me, but she also hated me. Hell I hated myself! If only there was a way to get her back. I had already lost her once, albeit that was my fault, but was it really so wrong to want her to have a normal life? But it was Bella and ever since I entered into her life, it had been far from normal. I couldn't go through this again! I ran down the stairs and through the house in all of 2 seconds, I continued running, hoping I could find Bella's scent. I had to because I needed her. She was like a drug to me, and I was the crack addicted junky needing a fix. I was just catching Bella's scent when I smelt something else. I had smelt it before, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Something was off. But then I heard, in the mind. _Leech._ I recognized the mind as Jacob Black. No wonder the smell was off, but I never recalled Jacob being a wolf. Maybe it was in his blood...after all his grandfather was Ephraim Black. But what was he doing all the way out here?

Not wanting to start anything I decided to avoid him and continue on towards Bella. When I finally reached her, I found her sitting in the middle of a meadow, that looked almost identical to the one pack in Forks. I walked over to her and sat down.

"What do you want?"

"I want you."

"Well you had your chance. Now leave."

"Bella, please, listen to me."

Silence.

"I am sorry, but I didn't want you to die. I saved you from yourself, you were dying, and I wouldn't have changed you if I had another choice. I did this for the best. I know it was the right thing to do."

Deathly quiet silence. All I could here was the lake off in the distance hitting the rocks on the sides of islands.

"Fuck you. I already told you. I lived my life, and I wanted out. An no choice? You are so fucking selfish you sick bastard. I wanted out, but you changed me for your own selfish desires. I would tell you to kill your self but you're already dead, so the next best thing. Stay away from me. Move on, and leave me alone. You sound like all those fucking doctors. Saving me from myself. Ha! Try saving me for you because thats exactly what you did! But I don't want this life! Good bye forever. Tell Carlisle thank you for everything."

"But Bella!"

"Goodbye"

And with that she ran off into the distance. I crumbled to the ground, not knowing what the hell I would do. I was still on the ground when I saw a rather large wolf appear. It looked me straight in the eye, before I was bombarded with thoughts, and memories.

_Leech. You broke the treaty, and you killed my best friend. _

"I am aware that I broke the treaty, but I did it to save her"

_from what I heard she didn't want to become a bloodsucker_

"But she also wanted to die."

Jacob growled at me before he phased back into his human form. Holy shit he got big.

"Seeing Bella dead in a coffin would have been a damn sight better than knowing she's a vampire."

_I went to visit her, but I stopped because I couldn't stand to see her like that. She wanted death, like it was her lover, she courted death willingly and now she's gonna have to suffer for all eternity. And it's your fault. You know you broke the treaty so you know that I can kill you._

"I know."

"But I won't"

I looked up shocked. I couldn't believe my ears, he was going to let me live? Why?

"Killing you would be too easy on you. I want to see you in pain everyday like Bella. For all eternity."

"Jacob, thats impossible, you won't be able to see me in pain for all eternity, because firstly you are human, you wont live forever, and if Bella takes me back I won't be in pain."

"Well then I guess keeping you alive is a good thing because the chances of Bella taking you back are slim to none."

Jacob phased again before running off into the wilderness. He was right, Bella would never take me back. What had I done?

**I know the chapter was short, but I am trying to get things rolling again, I warn you now, that I have school starting in a little over a week, so since it will be my last year, I will most likely be updating on the weekends. But I hope you enjoyed the chapter, no Jacob is not a one time thing, he will be back.**


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